


The (Very) Secret Life of April Patterson

by MrToddWilkins (orphan_account)



Category: For Better or For Worse (Comics)
Genre: Blogging, Comic Book Time, Diary/Journal, F/M, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-24 13:22:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21338926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/MrToddWilkins
Summary: The grad will begin on June 26 and end on July 7.
Relationships: Becky McGuire & Howard Bunt, Gerald Forsythe/April Patterson, Karen McGuire/Howard Bunt
Comments: 28





	1. Introduction

_June 23,2005_

Hi, everyone! This is April Patterson, and this is my blog. I tried to start one before, but my nosy mother caught me. But since she's such a clueless FOOB, I convinced her a blog is a place to post fridge pics. Right, Ma, as if. lol.


	2. Oh,Liz!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The grad will begin on June 26 and end on July 7.

_June 24,2005_

Liz, Liz, Liz! It's always about Liz!  
  
First of all, Mom knew Liz was coming home with the cat. Eddie and Dixie have never lived with cats, so what did she think was gonna happen? A big, happy animal party? So why didn't she put the dogs in the back herself before she went to the bus station to meet Liz?  
  
So I'm up in my room dressed for grad, nylons and everything, when Mom expects me to get the sdogs out back. Finally, Liz is all, "I'm going in", so now she gets be the big hero.  
  
Well, I've gotta go. Mom's yelling again.


	3. More about Liz!

_June 25,2005_

See, I knew Liz was bringing Shiimsa home. But did she even bother to stop and notice how hot an' tasty I look all dressed up for grad? Nope, because it's always Liz, Liz, Liz for her. So I played clueless little sis and opened that door. And did you see the look on Ma's face? She was so surprised her glasses came flying off!  
  
I almost said "Hi, Mike," when I saw Liz today, because for some reason she's lookin' like my bro. Then I noticed she had her hair up in a bun, sorta like the one Mom always wears these days.  
  
By the way, did you know Mom blames me for her nose? Her nose! You see, she says her thighs are Mike's fault. Says she had nice, thin thighs before he was born, but bein' pregnant with him packed the flab on 'em. Says Liz gave her a big butt. Me? Her nose! Whoever heard of pregnancy causing fat _noses_?  



	4. A day in the life

_June 26,2005_

  
First I go to Starbucks with the Beckster and order the triple-shot grande latte. I was up so late last night IM'ing boys with cute-sounding profiles, so I needed a pick-me-up. Then Beck gives me a little pill and says it's this herbal, natural vitamin thing that'll give me energy and help me eat less. An' she's all lookin' at my butt when she says "eat less". Is my butt starting to look like my Mom's? So I take the pill and next thing I know, I'm buzzing like crazy, my eyes are almost poppin' outta my head, and I'm all fascinated by a hummingbird. I don't even know what I just said to Mom, but I hope she doesn't suspect I'm chemically enhanced.


	5. Oh,April.......

_June 27,2005_

Yep, that's right, Liz, I finally have a rack that can hold up a strapless! Okay, I'm actually cheating with some pins an' rubberbands an' stuff, but Liz doesn' hafta know that. At least she finally noticed how hot I look! "Spectacular" is right!  
  
Some people tell me I should grow out my bangs, but the truth is I'm afraid. Look what happened to Liz. I'm pretty sure she used to have a forehead, but lately she's got a two-head. If that's gonna happen to me, I at least wanna have bangs to cover that shit up.


	6. Pre-grad woes

_June 28,2005_

  
There goes my Dad and his fooby puns again. The worst part is when he stands there with this look on his face, like he's waitin' for you to bust a gut, or at least for the laugh track to kick in. Dad, just, ew.  
  
But enough about Dad, let's talk about _me_! I mean, this is still my grad day, though for some reason this day jus' seems to be draggin' on forever. Some peeps were sayin' my dress was a bit skimpy for a grade 8 grad. 


	7. Pre-grad woes 2:electric boogaloo

_June 29,2005_

  
So here's what happened. I thought we were all about to walk out the door to go to grad, when Liz said, "Oh, I forgot to open Shiimsa's cage an' say goodbye to her." She said it would only take a **minute**. Ten minutes later, my Dad's all making jokes about graduating _grad_ually, Mom's stompin' her feet an' sighin', an' I'm the only one who bothers goin' up to say somethin' to Lizardbreath! Then she's all, "**YOU'RE UPSETTING MY CAT**!" Poor Shiimsa.  
  
An' look at my hair. Liz did it for me--she promised me she would make it all nice, but it looks like she just put me in the Patterson women's updo club. And she took so loooooooooooong there was no time to go over to Becky's house and get something more, I dunno, 2005? I also think the clutchy little evenin' purse is a bit too much, but Mom insisted it goes with the dress. I'm soooo countin' the days 'til high school grad. Remember, two years until I can drive, three before I can drink (yay Canada!), four to graduating grade 12 an' bye-bye Milborough!  
  
By the way, next year I'll be goin' to **R.P. Boire Secondary School**. How foobish a name is that?


	8. The beginning of grad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When this is done,I will post a folio edition. This means that the comments will be in the chapters proper.

_June 30,2005_

Well, I dunno what my folks an' Liz were yammerin' about while they were gawkin' at Becky an' me. They were too far away for me to hear, but I'm guessin' it was pretty lame an' foobish. Maybe someone who was closer to them can fill me in, in case they said anything worth hearing.  
  
Becks is lookin' good, doncha think? But she told me her dad had a last-minute fit about that Paris Hilton gold-lamé halter dress she was gonna wear. It seems at first glance he mistook her for his girlfriend, Brandi. Then he took her to the mall an' made her get a dress he picked out himself. 'Rents, who can figure 'em? Becks'll probably fill you in with more deets in the comments.


	9. Becky takes the stage

_July 1,2005_

Gerald seems kinda mad about Becks takin' the stage to sing at grad. Maybe cuz he thought 4Evah coulda played as a group? Well, there's not too much more to say about this right now. Wait an' see what happens. . . .  
  
An' yeah, even _I'm_ tired of hearin' me talk about **grad**, **grad**, **grad**, all **grad**all the time. I guess next thing ya know it'll be **farm**, **farm**, **farm**. But I'll try to mix things up a bit. Maybe Aunt Bev can give me some dirt on Dad.  
  
By the way, do you ever have a weird feeling you're being watched? An' that's not even how I'm dressed for grad. Not only that, but some of those pics look like they're from when I was like four or five. WTF? And those pics would be bad enough without the one where it looks like I'm makin' out with Dad. Am I supposed to be _that_ excited about kindergarten grad?


	10. Becky’s song

_July 2,2005_

Wow, who knew Becks was feelin' so sentimental about this occasion? You're fulla surprises, my friend!

Anyways,have the lyrics of her song:

(piano)

_This is the last year of childhood,_

_This is the last time we’ll share,_

_Fairy tales,innocent wildhood,_

_And days without cares,_

_without cares._   
  


_This is the last year of leaning,_

_This is the time we shall stand,_

_Everything now has more meaning,_

_Our life’s in our hands,_

_in our hands._

  
(piano interlude)

  
_This is the night we’ll remember,_

_This is the night we’ll depart,_

_With thoughts of a bright new September,_

_that’ll stay in our hearts,_

_in our hearts._

(French)

C'est la dernière année de l'enfance,

C’est la dernière fois que nous partageons,

Contes de fées, sauvage innocent,

Et des jours sans soucis,

sans soucis.

  
Ceci est la dernière année de penchement,

C’est le moment où nous resterons,

Tout a maintenant plus de sens,

Notre vie est entre nos mains,

dans nos mains.

C’est la nuit dont nous souviendrons,

C’est la nuit de notre départ,

En pensant à un nouveau mois de Septembre,

ça restera dans nos cœurs,

dans nos coeurs.

Edit:Mike added that part. He says hi.


	11. Liz gets up to her old tricks

_July 3,2005_

Liz says she thinks a _Landscaping With Lawrence_ exercise video would sell well. I dunno, would you buy that?  
  
So anyway, Liz was totally beat from workin' at Lawrence's place, an' I can't say I blame her for boltin' when Mom came lookin' for someone to mow the lawn. She'd spent the whole day doin' yard stuff. But guess who got stuck doin' the lawn? Yup, lil 'Pril. This wouldn' be so bad for a kid with normal parents, but my mom's got all sorts of crazy rules for mowin' a lawn "properly". So even after I was done cutting the grass, I had to stand there while Mom did her inspection, measuring the grass, running her fingers along the edges, comparing the lawn to pictures, sniffing the air above the grass while flappin' her arms toward herself. Then there are always "corrections" to make. Yeah, I _wish_ I were making this stuff up.


	12. Post-grad exuberance

_July 4,2005_

Hey, I know it looks like I'm takin' credit for the ceremony bein' nice an' Becks havin' talent, but didn' you ever have one of those stupid, automatic things come outta your mouth? Like, "Happy Birthday!" "You, too!" Besides, I was all thinkin' about the dance--and now Mom says Liz is pickin' me up at **11**!  
  
It's nice to hear someone in my fam praisin' Becks for a change, but I kinda wish my mom woulda said it, since she's always all "spoiled only child, divorcing parents", yada yada.  
  
Well, time to have some fun before I'm off to Greenacres. . . . .


	13. Mike blogs

_July 5,2005_

Peeps, my big bro nagged me until I let him post his "advice", since he was a no-show for my big event. We'll get back to regular Apes programming as soon as poss, I promise. . . .  
\------------------------------  
Advice From Your Big Brother  
by  
Michael Patterson  
Editor of _Portait_ Magazine  
Freelance writer  
Editor at Large  
Allaround bigshot  
  
Dear April,  
  
Thank you for letting me post my world-weary, winsome (lose-some) wisdom to your wonderful, witty weblog. As I write this, in the backyard, a gentle breeze hits my face, and I remember my own grade 8 grad fifteen years ago. What a youthful scamp I was, donning my suit, letting Dad help me with my tie, facing the new challenges that lay ahead. Hey, look, it's the Kelpfroths' laundry. I never imagined Winnie to be the thong type, that is way too much information, but it's okay because at least they're saving energy by hanging their laundry out to dry. But they're evil people who smoke cigars and hate children, so even when they do the right thing, I'm compelled to make nasty remarks about them.  
  
"Nasty remarks" makes me think of peer pressure, and that's what I want to address next, and by that I don't mean my postal address, I mean that's what I'm about to talk about next. The teenage years are infested with peer pressure like the flat I shared with Weed in college was infested with cockroaches, but that's because we were slobs, though at least we had our Ned doll, and we knew how to let loose and have fun. But you should never let loose and have fun, because you're a girl, and girls have different rules, because girls can get pregnant. So no matter how much your friends pressure you, never let a boy touch you below the waist. Actually, you shouldn't let them touch you much above the waist, either, I figure there's maybe about three inches of space in the waist region where you might--_might_\--let a boy touch you, but only _very very_ briefly, and then that's it young lady! And don't even think about having S-E-X before you get married, and then only to have children, exactly two, a girl and a boy.  
  
The breeze that gently caresses my face reminds me of other times breezes have gently touched my face, as I lay in our parents' backyard, listening to Elton John on my boombox, relaxing until I heard Mom yell, "TURN OFF THAT BLASTED JUNGLE MUSIC, MICHAEL PATTERSON, OR I SWEAR I WILL TAKE YOU TO ALASKA AND THROW YOU IN A SNOW DRIFT!" I still get choked up thinking about that now. Mom loves us so much! Remember always to listen to her sage advice, as she really does know best. Right, Mom? Please don't hurt me!  
  
In conclusion, breezes are good, peer pressure, sex, and Kelpfroths are bad, and Mom knows everything. Wow, I can't believe my Little Sis is going to be in high school. High school. High. . . . . Oh, man, do I have the munchies!  
  
Love,  
  
Michael


	14. A quick question

July 6,2005

Well, I sure hope the pets are gettin' along okay while my friends an' I are at the dance. I'll fill u in with the deets on that l8r, peeps, but meanwhile, someone left a comment that has given me an idea for this post. Have you had any weird experiences with my Mom? If so, leave a comment! Y'know, being a Patterson can be a strange an' scary thing. One summer, Mom had "Proud to be a Patterson" t-shirts made for us all. I couldn't wait to "lose" mine at camp. I think Mike still wears his, though.


	15. At the dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Screw this,I’m switching to the folio edition.

July 7,2005

Jeremy Jones! It's bad enuf that he's got some stank-ass B.O. goin' on there, but then he has to say all this stuff about how Becks'll think she's too big for the band. What does he know? He's jealous that we even have a band! An' can u believe that lame line about "nothing lasts 4-Evah"? What's he been doin', hangin' out with my Dad? To top it all off, Jeremy got really drunk in the first 20 minutes of the dance. Looza!  
  
So Becks is flirtin' with the DJ, what diff does that make? An' so what if she's feelin' like a bigshot tonight--she deserves it. Everyone totally loved her song!


End file.
